I took my 200mg of Quetiapine dosage today and lemme tell you.. I was knocked out. Flat. I was desperate for it cuz I ran out of it two days ago but couldn’t pick it up cuz the pharmacy was closed. Fortunately I was able to finally get it! I was just asleep for hours, but I’m glad, cuz I was unable to sleep for the last couple for days. The effects on my brain of the higher dosage is… interesting. Everything is so quiet. Like calm. Peaceful. I have actual space in my brain??? And all the chatting and running commentary in my head has died down, majorly. That thing where I’m just talking to people in my head all the time and create entire scenarios that basically take over my life to the point where it’s stronger than reality. But like I said before, I never took it that seriously cuz I really thought it was normal. Cuz usually I’m in some kind of daydream land 24/7, just constantly having conversations and talking to people in my head, and it’s like a subconscious thing. I never really was able to control or be fully aware of it. Till now, with the higher dosage. My brain is actually clearer, and not being drowned out by voices or my brain’s constant chatter. But it’s not like voices where I literally hear someone talk as if they’re speaking out loud. It’s just they’re talking in my head but I get lost and forget where I am. Is that psychosis? I mean I have sometimes had actual loud voices speaking in my head but they’re always talking in a foreign langauge. This however is more prominent.
I found a Tumblr post that mentioned this thing called ‘Maladaptive Daydreaming’. It mentioned how people can daydream for hours on end in a super intense, excessive way, to the point where it takes over your mind and makes it appear like your openly talking to yourself and sometimes makes the person react physically as if the people they’re speaking to are really there. You pace a lot (I used to do this constantly ohmygod), concentration is impossible cuz your brain is in an alternative reality majority of the time, it’s addictive and takes up most of your energy, forget where they are, don’t take in their surroundings or stop doing whatever productive thing they’re doing cuz they’re daydreaming. People feel unable to turn it off or snap back into reality, they can be positive forms of escape, but they can also feature intense violence and negative scenarios as well as good ones. It’s also possible to become genuinely attached to the people in these alternative realities, even though they’re not real, they feel real and they fulfil things that the person might not be getting from people in real life.
I mean that’s a quick summary but it’s unbelievable how accurate this is. I honestly thought this was normal. I’m sure I’ve had this since I was a little kid, I never thought that this wasn’t a daily common occurrence for everyone else. I really thought everyone gets this. I’m truly shocked! Apparently the cause is usually trauma, (again!) It’s a coping mechanism to escape reality that gives you an alternative and sometimes a better ‘life’ than one is experiences regularly. It makes a lot of sense because life was awful in most of my childhood and I remember constantly playing games with myself pretending I was in a different world, for years on end. Creating characters, imaginary friends and making people like me and be nice to me in my daydreams, unlike how people were in reality. They aren’t always possible though. Sometimes I’ve had daydreams where I’m fully confronting my ex and dreamt of killing him many times over. Doing it once in my head is never enough though, it was a scene I used to play out constantly for a year and at one point I used to take shallow needles and slash myself with them to mimic what I wanted to do in my ex for revenge. I haven’t had such intense violent dreams since I started the Quetiapine, but I thought it was just sorting out my moods. Now I’m on a higher dosage, I have more awareness of these daydreaming thoughts.
Like I said, it isn’t gone entirely, but it’s still there a little bit. So what do I do now that I suddenly have space in my brain? How do I occupy my thoughts, so I don’t get bored? What do Neurotypicals do? Do they just… take in their surroundings, focus on the tasks at hand, watch TV, go on social media without their brain crossing whole alternative scenes where they lose all sense of time? Do they just… think about things and get on with them? Without daydreaming about it? Forming entire story scenes and plots and reimagining how different people would react? Staging entire arguments in their head doing it differently several times over till it ends how they want it to end? They don’t have that? What do they replace it with? How do they stop getting bored? I wanna know I need answers! It’s crazy I actually have mental space for once, it’s a massive breath of fresh air. I just need to be able to put this to good use, so I can make my real life better and happier, and not waste my life away dreaming.
It’s hard though cuz a lot of the people in my head are people I know in real life. Like I’m just having convos with them and imagining how stuff would go. But it’s the worst when it’s involving your FP. An FP is a ‘favourite person’, where you develop an intense fixation with one person. It’s a symptom of my emotionally unable personality disorder, which is an alternative diagnosis to borderline personality disorder. It’s often romantic but doesn’t always have to be the case, it can be amazing in some ways, this one person becomes everything to you, they literally light up your whole world, they mean everything to you and more. But that doesn’t mean they feel the same way about you, or are even aware of your fixation of them. For me, my FPs always become the centre point of my daydreams. They feature so heavily in my mind that I have an entire relationship with them in my head. A relationship that can be nothing like reality. In my world they like me back and feel the same way. In reality, it’s often not the case. I’ve only been in a relationship with one FP and it was very turbulent and he’s the ex who got violent. My other FPs took advantage or were often unserious candidates, or just not seeming interested like that. It’s a very hard pill to swallow cuz an FP goes way beyond feelings. Everything they do means something, life is empty without them, they mean everything to you, they’re imprinted on you. The only way for me to get over an FP is by having a new FP to replace them.
It’s not easy to do that. You can’t control having an FP and how you get attached to them, it just happens by itself. And they take over your whole mind, so I end up daydreaming over them constantly, and it just makes the reality of not actually being with them even worse. It’s okay if they are reciprocating in real life, then it’s easier to focus and not daydream over them. But if they don’t respond, my brain goes wild thinking about them and things we could and should be doing, for hours and days on end. It’s just another way of self-destructing honestly how can you have such intense feelings for someone even if you barely know them? Kinda stuck in this phase at the minute. I don’t wanna move on cuz if he comes back then I still want him, but there isn’t much chance of that happening, so do I try meet other people and hopefully replace that person by finding another FP? I dunno but I’m trying to avoid daydreaming on it for the time being cuz it’s just depressing.
Anyway, I’m gonna see how I adjust to the dosage of medication over the next few days and hopefully the maladaptive daydreaming won’t be such an intense, domineering part of my life anymore. Hopefully I’ll be more in reality, and I can get on with my sex work career and shit I wanna get done. I don’t want my life to be wasted.