I honestly feel like recovery is worse than experiencing the trauma itself. I used to be able to shut it all out, numb the pain and just get on with life and push it away. But since I’ve started opening up on here it’s just been non-stop tears, low moods and frustrated emotions. It’s worse not having a social life cuz being around people distracts me from the pain. It makes all the pressure of everything disappear for a few hours. I just have fun and get involved, just banter and act like everything’s alright. Just use humour and chat shit with mates to get by, kinda a bit like how a lot of comedians use humour to cope with depression. I think the other thing is I don’t ever get emotional in front of people unless I’m in an episode or directly caught in the moment. I’ve become very skilled at catching a mood swing and numbing my feelings out as quickly as possible. You just have to cuz being in your feelings makes you vulnerable and people can take the piss so you gotta hide it asap. But when I’m on my own I have my moments where it all comes flooding out but it’s happening a lot more lately. I dunno if that’s a good thing or not. It doesn’t feel good cuz I’m a fucking mess right now. It’s weird cuz I struggled in therapy to express or go through these emotions. It’s just as soon as I come face to face with a person I just pull up my detachment automatically and my feelings are hidden to the extent that I can’t feel them. But now I am forced to feel them, and I don’t want to.
I’m just breaking down all the time and I’m tired of it. When will it end? When will I get my happy back? But then if I have to go through all emotions and trauma and uncover and work through every single piece, it could easily take months and months. Cuz we’re talking a good twenty or so years of continuous trauma and abuse. And I feel pulled in different directions cuz I don’t know what section to focus on or to go through. I have a lot of hate inside me cuz I could easily kill most of the people that assaulted, and I wouldn’t blink. I don’t give a shit cuz they had no conscience for what they did to me, emotionally and physically. Those times when I used to fight them so hard to get away and I wasn’t physically strong enough, so I got overpowered regardless. From memory I’ve been sexually assaulted by twelve people, eleven guys and one girl. That’s not all though, I’ve been physically beaten and attacked by other kids my age when I was in school, the earliest when I was two years old and I still remember it. This boy used to attack me every day for no reason apparently, he would just violently attack me and strangle the shit out of me, and I was too scared to fight back. I have a flashback memory of me standing in a corridor in nursery and I was trying to move past all these kids and people and this other kid was just overpowering and strangling me and shaking me and I was unable to shake free. That’s my main memory of it but I’m told it used to happen almost every day and the teachers didn’t give a shit so I had to be moved.
The funny thing is now I think about it… most of my assaults after that have followed a similar pattern. I’m literally doing whatever, minding my business, getting on with whatever I’m doing, and some guy will come onto me aggressively and attack me. It was like that for a long time in primary school and the guys would just attack me or try fight with me. I never understood why, I don’t know what I did to cause such antagonism. And in my teenage and adult life it’s been the same I just get guys jumping on me aggressively and if I don’t give in to them, they get violent. It’s like… if I was deliberately provoking them I could see why they would move mad. I’m not saying that’s justifying the violence but if that was the reason then it’s something I can control and change. But it feels like no matter what I do I’m just literally a breathing target. It’s like my presence makes guys fucking crazy and it really scares me. And I hate those people who fucked me up so much. Like how can you be so fucking selfish?? It’s MY BODY and you refuse to listen to my blatant ‘no’ so you strangle me or pin me down, so I can’t fucking move. I’ve even had guys who pressured and pressured me for sex, so I avoided them as much as possible and they then said things like ‘Would it happen if I forced you? Would you like that?’ I mean… are guys really, really that fucking stupid or are you lot in total denial that you can’t always have what you want every single time?
I don’t even feel violated and freaked out anymore because it’s so normal. I remember this one time a bunch of guys stalked me and my mates round my ends and they started shouting rude sexual things at us and when we told them to fuck off they started trying to kick us and fight us. We made them fuck off in the end and we outnumbered them, but still. Imagine if it was just one of us girls walking alone up the road home and being chased and shouted out by a bunch of guys. One, it’s fucking scary, and two what do they think it’s gonna achieve??? Cuz shouting ‘pussy’ and ‘yo gimmie head’ at random girls across the street and then FIGHTING them is totally gonna make us wanna give you head. Ridiculous. This is the thing there has been so many violent situations I been in and I never provoked any of them in the first place so I dunno how to even deal with it cuz there’s no justifying that behaviour. That’s the thing that’s hard to accept. That it wasn’t my fault and I didn’t bring it on myself. But in that case, why does it happen so often???
My relationship with sex is so complicated, cuz I have a sensual, sexual self that loves it and is the one mostly working at the moment. But I been hiding her lately cuz my emotions are overpowering everything, and I personally struggle with sex. I used to enjoy it, I used to love it. Me and my ex used to have sex like… five times a day. I was so happy with it and very carefree in that area of life, even though I have a very conservative background, I didn’t care. But that enjoyment has been ripped to shreds and I can’t have sex anymore without getting angry or emotional. I don’t like casual sex cuz I’m too emotional for it plus it’s very triggering cuz most of the time I’m pressured into it when I really don’t want to. I can only do it in a relationship cuz any other type of situation just makes me resent that person or I just cry loads during sex. I want to enjoy it with a partner again, but I want it to be cuz they actually love me and care about me, and they’re not trying to take something from me. They’re not trying to beat me up or hurt me. The last time I had a genuine relationship with a guy that cared for was when I was sixteen, which was like three months. Other than that my other exes have been very possessive and controlling and one pimped me against my will and raped me violently to the point that I had to go to the hospital.
I can’t imagine being genuinely loved by someone in that way, I just can’t see it happening. I want it really badly, but I’m scared to get close to a potential, so I start airing them and shutting them off, even if I like them. Cuz I just don’t see how I deserve to be loved cuz I kinda given up on the possibility. I mean I know I’m young, but I feel twice as old as my actual age, honestly.
People just don’t understand what sexual abuse does to you. You feel like your body doesn’t belong to you. Sex is a very intimate and emotional act, and abusing such a delicate act is a massive violation and taking over is so fucking damaging. I don’t wanna cry again if I get intimate with someone I genuinely have feelings for cuz it’s like… how do I explain? How do I explain that? People just pop up talking about sex in my DMs when I don’t even know who they are. When you tell them no thank you, they get on your case, or push you around to make you give in. Like, I. SAID. NO. And they complain and moan ‘whyyyyyyyyy’ like um do I have to say, ‘I was sexually abused for years so if I have sex with a guy I’m not in a relationship with I will get angry and wanna beat them up or start crying and get emotional as shit.’ I don’t wanna say that, but a simple ‘no thanks’ is rarely enough. So now I start lying and say I got a man just to get them off my case, but a lot of guys ignore that nowadays. Online I can block them but in person it’s harder.
I remember one guy even said to me ‘it’s cuz your really sexy that’s why guys can’t help themselves around you.’ Okay what???? Like how is that a justification for abusing my personal space and body?!? Being sexy and attractive IS NOT CONSENT. I can’t help it cuz even when I’m dressed like shit with hair scruffy and no makeup, apparently, I’m ‘still being sexy’. But that’s no excuse like just cuz someone is sexy and attractive doesn’t mean you can force yourselves onto them. If a guy is really attractive to me I’m not gonna jump on them and get onto them, like what the fuck, I’m gonna respect his personal space you know?? If we both like each other then we can move to each other based on how we’re both feeling and communicating. But you can’t force yourself onto me if I’m clear that I don’t want it like that, no matter how I appear to you. If I say I don’t wanna do shit, then that’s okay too. Like if I need to take my time with sex, that should be okay… I shouldn’t have to deal with a potential getting angry with me cuz I don’t wanna beat, just respect my space. If I wanna take my time, what’s wrong with that? Why do people always want to rush sex nowadays? You’re not gonna explode just cuz you didn’t beat. I’m not saying I wanna wait months I’m just saying I wanna go at a natural pace without rushing things.
The last time I was able to do that was with my first boyfriend at sixteen, and we waited a month before we felt fully comfortable with each other to go that length. And that was communicated and understood between us based on how we felt. I honestly thought that was normal, but that’s the one and only time it’s ever happened where I’ve been in a relationship where my space was respected like that and I respected his too. I would never wanna pressure someone into something physical or sexual that they ain’t ready for, so why should I have to deal with it so much?
I just wish these people listened to me and left me alone in the first place. I wouldn’t be so traumatised, then would I? I am suffering the consequences of their shitty, disgusting actions. I would make them fucking suffer in return if I could. I would really fucking drag them through it, make them feel what I felt. My body looking a certain way and me appearing sexy is not consent and it never will be. Guys need to get that in their head. Just cuz a girl looks good, doesn’t mean she wants you or you get to jump on her. The entitlement that exists is insane and we don’t need it. I’m not gonna hide away in my house forever. It’s boring and depressing there. I want to live my life, I wanna go out, party, socialise, make my stacks and I should be able to do all that without worrying that I’m gonna be targeted. I don’t want it to happen anymore. I just wanna live my life in peace and settle down without worrying about dealing with entitlement, controlling behaviours and pressure. But it seems impossible to ask for such a thing. Maybe one day I’ll get lucky. Maybe one day.