I’m really all types of overwhelmed right now. I barely managed to do jackshit today. I didn’t sleep last night at all cuz I couldn’t find my meds. I found it before I left my yard, but I have only two pills left. My psychiatrist said she wants to up the Quetiapine dosage from 100mg to 200mg. I don’t know what kinda effect it will have on me, but I feel like I need it. I’m getting manic a lot more lately even when I’m taking my meds and I just feel hyper and restless. Yet at the same time I don’t have the space in my brain for productive activity. Everything overwhelms me and exhausts me even though I have so much restless energy which doesn’t make sense? Like I gotta buy Christmas presents but the thought process of thinking about each person, and what they want and what to get them and getting it is exhausting me right now. It shouldn’t be what the fuck? It should be a relatively simple thing to figure out, but I simply don’t have the brain energy for it and I dunno how to make it come back or to force it. Cuz Christmas is in like ten days… and my head just can’t process the information required, it’s just too tiring.
I dunno if upping the dosage of Quetiapine will fix this, I hope it does cuz I honestly need more brain space. It’s frustrating being only able to take in a very limited amount of information on a daily basis. It makes people think that I’m not interested in them or that I don’t care for them, and honestly, it’s not the case at all. I just can’t physically fit you in my brain right now. I have to think about eating, washing, trying to keep organised and work obviously. Sometimes I manage to get all those things done in a day if I’m lucky. But often I end up missing out on at least one of those things cuz my head hurts when I think about it. Like to the point where it feels like a migraine. It’s just so bad. I’m having one now and I just can’t wait to get back inside. I don’t wanna do shit today, I just can’t cope with it physically. It’s horrible having cognitive difficulties cuz no one knows how treat them or what to do with them.
I’ve been diagnosed with executive dysfunction, sensory dysfunction, slow visual processing, poor working memory, dyspraxia and dyscalculia. As if having mental health problems and PTSD wasn’t enough. I’ve had them all my life, but I was assessed when I was 14 years old and it was compared to an assessment I had at 18 years old and my cognitive abilities had a major drop. Don’t get me wrong, my emotional, verbal and communication intelligences were listed as very high, some above average. In my life especially at school I was always under pressure to perform and deliver high quality work that would show my potential and compensate for my cognitive issues.
But it doesn’t really work that way. The brain is built to work in different areas for a reason. We all have strengths and weaknesses, but when your weaknesses are assessed to be at learning disability level, it just fucks everything around. My memory is very poor, I have zero ability in maths, my sensory processing is very extreme. My slow visual processing has a very detrimental effect on my life in the fact that I take longer to pick up information and learn new things than everyone else. Then once I learn it, if I don’t dedicate my life to it, almost every day, it will be wiped from my memory. If I stop something for a month, guaranteed I have forgotten it. I know what I did but the skill set I spent ages learning and picking up has gone. Literally could there be anything more frustrating??? The large number of things I have dedicated myself to and spent my life doing that have gone down the drain. Just gone, wasted. All I have is very fragmented memories, written accounts of what I did and pictures to remind me of what I could do.
I think that was the main reason for getting into sex work. I felt that my brain was too unpredictable and unreliable for me to take a creative skill set I learned into a career. It’s just too risky and dangerous cuz once I reach a point where I am no longer obsessed with it, and I’m more chilled out about it, my brain can’t fit it in anymore. Therefore, I stop thinking about it and engaging in it and it gets dropped. And I have very little, if hardly ever, any control over it. It might be another reason for my apathy cuz what’s the point of getting emotionally attached to something I do, if I’m gonna lose it anyway? Cuz once it’s gone, it’s gone.
I just have to deal with it, so I knew with sex work, well I just have to be sexy and flirty etc. At least that’s something I’m not gonna lose. Also, a lot of it is related to my looks. I know I’m not gonna lose my looks or the way my body is, and I look very young for my age anyway, so I’m not worried about looking old anytime soon. It’s funny cuz for most people, the body and looks are a temporary thing that changes, and people are very quick to hammer home the ‘looks don’t last’ and things like ‘it’s shallow to focus on looks cuz you can’t help what you look like’ etc. Which to an extent makes a lot of sense but when you think about it, if we’re shallow for focussing on looks cuz we’re born with what we got, then we’re shallow for focussing on intelligences and mental abilities and talents. Cuz we’re born with that too, and you can’t control how high your intelligences are gonna be. You can work with your talents, but a lot of it is supported by your cognitive abilities.
For me I take a lot of comfort in my body and my face cuz that, out of everything I physically have, is the most permanent, unchanged factor of my life. I mean I’ve had my awkward teenage phases but for most of my life it was always a positive thing I was guaranteed to get attention for and praise. Whereas my brain has confused, angered and brought on a whole lot of negative reactions most my life. I mean I do get praise for my higher cognitive abilities but there’s always a ‘but’ or ‘if only you could be like this’, ‘you’re not trying to reach your potential’. No matter how hard I work, it’s not hard enough for people. I should be doing more. And people refused to accept how bad things are for me in my head. So, I don’t want to revolve my career and future life around my unstable abilities. I’m just putting too much at risk when I do it. I wish it weren’t like that. I wish I didn’t have learning disabilities or mania and I could just engage in something I love and know that’s gonna stay with me. That I’m gonna know it’s gonna last and keep me going. I want that so badly I honestly dunno how many times I cried over it. You know when they assessed me they told me I don’t have an IQ. That’s right, my IQ is listed as inconclusive.
So, the thing for me is where do I go from here? What’s the solution to this problem. That’s the thing that winds me up the most. I like to be pragmatic and realistic and think on my feet and find my way out of problems I have. But I can’t see it here. I don’t wanna do what school and education has forced me to do, using my stronger cognitive abilities to compensate for what I don’t have cuz it’s the most exhausting and draining thing. But I’m sick of continuing my life the way it is. I want to be in a successful, happy place. I don’t want to be stressing out over the little things anymore. I don’t want to be frustrated cuz I’m struggling to think of what to eat. I don’t want to struggle with knowing where to put my things. I don’t wanna worry about timing, knowing I’ll get lost for hours. I don’t wanna be overwhelmed thinking of the people I care about. I don’t wanna be screwing over paperwork and struggling to sort through savings and bills. Forgetting things in my skin and hair care or struggling with theory revision.
I’m 22 and it’s left me truly exhausted of life. Just everyday normal things are an absolute challenge for me and I feel so embarrassed and ashamed to feel that way. I feel like I shouldn’t be so dependent on people. I watch my friends finish their chores in twenty minutes and the exact same thing takes me hours. I get so jealous about it. Like really fucking jealous. And I wish it would all be magicked away, and I could wake up and just move on in my life. But it just seems like there’s never gonna be an end.