I’m feeling so waved I don’t know where to look. Funny thing is I’m not even smoking shit, my mania’s getting onto me again. Makes me feel really fucked, like I’m just so high. My moods are swinging all over the gaff. My vision is funny, my heart rate is doing bits. Like wtf man. It just goes off and starts beating proper hard, it’s so intense. Yesterday I was baking, and I had to stop halfway cuz my heart was going off so much I thought I was gonna faint. I didn’t but I was forced to take a break, which was annoying. I mean I thought I would be okay and I calmed down but I got so hyper really late at night, my brain was just bouncing in a thousand different places. Which it’s doing now. You know when your mood goes off and starts imagining scenarios to the point where it feels real even though it isn’t? Happens to me constantly when I’m manic. To the point where I start answering and reacting in real life even though I know they’re not there. It’s weird cuz normally my meds help but it seems like my mania is getting stronger than the meds. My psychiatrist is upping the dosage from 100mg to 200mg and I just went to the GP but the doctor hasn’t changed my prescription yet so I have to go back tomorrow to pick up the letter. I also have to finish my current set of meds off so looks like I’m gonna be high for the next few days. I’m still with family at the moment and I gotta go do my xmas shopping and shit, as well as getting my ass on cam. I was pretty confident and excited about cam but I dunno how it’s gonna be while I’m feeling high. Maybe it will help cuz I have all this energy and shit and it will help me get people excited and more onto me. I dunno but I gotta earn that money.
I wanna check how my Pornhub is doing cuz the views have been climbing lately but I can’t cuz there’s a childblock in this house. I dunno whether to go home later today or to wait, I dunno. I might jump on cam later this evening if I go back. The thing is I’m not gonna be able to sleep till 4-3am so might as well just try to utilise my energy and get onto it. I dunno I’m gonna play it by ear. I just hope I can keep my moods on the happy/excited side. Cuz if I get triggered off and go into the angry moods and trigger a rage fit then I’m gonna be in the danger zone again. Cuz I’ll be struggling with violent urges and be thinking of shit I can do to take my anger out on or cause damage. I mean at least I do have a boxing thingy in my room. (I’m so high I don’t even remember the name, ugh). If not I’ll just smoke bare weed and get into a proper high instead so I’m more chilled out. I dunno but I just gotta try to stay on the fun side so I don’t hurt myself or break things harrrr. Wish me luck lets hope I don’t start going off on a tangent on anything but I feel proper on edge. Just breaaaaaathe in and hope for the best. La.