I’m just feeling low and demotivated lately. Normally I have a lot of ideas to get on with work, but I’m just pissed off and low about it. I feel like I really need to let off steam, but I have no outlet anymore. My best way of letting go and relaxing is really partying, drinking, smoking with friends, going out. I’m a very extroverted person so I really need to be out with people almost constantly, otherwise I feel very lonely and depressed. Unfortunately, being in mental health services is proper isolating. Cuz during my meltdown I pretty much stopped contact with everybody for months on end cuz I didn’t want them to see what was going on with me. I didn’t want to have an episode around them. Now that I am in a much better place, I’m not talking to those people anymore and the friendship groups I used to hang out in didn’t last and everyone fell out which each other for various reasons apparently. So even if I was to go back, there’s no point cuz none of them talk to each other anymore. I need to get out and make new friends, but this is the problem, where do I meet new people? I’m very sociable when I’m around new people and that, the problem is getting myself to the right places amongst people that I connect with.
For obvious reasons, I’m not employed and even though I’m trying my hand at camming and videos, I feel less and less motivated to stick with it cuz it’s harder than I thought to grow a fanbase of paying followers. At the same time, I need a break from it regularly by going out and having fun, so I can come back with a fresh mindset. The more social my life is, the more confident I feel in other areas of my life and the more able I feel to tackle my goals and needs. Without it, I’m just feeling frustrated and low, I hate being on my own for more than a few hours, so the struggle is real. I do live with other people and care staff, which is nice, but we usually all do our own thing and just chill in the house whenever. It’s just not the same. I dunno where to start. I don’t wanna go do a ‘college course’ to meet people there because if I am forced to right yet another essay in my life I will throw a whole stack of bricks at my computer in anger. I am not even kidding academic writing of any kind actually triggers off my rage episodes so bad that the last time I tried to write one in uni, I just slashed my wrists apart and broke things. I just hate them with a burning passion there is no way to make me hate life more than being stuck inside trying to write a bleeeeeeeeding essay over:
‘Choose TWO spatial or organisational typologies (eg. hospital, park, botanical garden, sanatorium, school, country estate, corporation, urban gang, army, collective, churchetc) and, using relevant critical theory and illustrating your examples, critically examine the relationship between space, power and human behaviour.’
You must be mad. Seeing things like that proper brings on a hissy fit cuz all it is is waffle, research and headache. If studying and education offered forms of learning that don’t rely so heavily on writing frigging essays I would consider it. Until then please actually do me a favour and fuck the hell off cuz I simply don’t care. Fight me all you like I couldn’t give two fucks. So where does that leave me then? Avoiding study courses like the plague but in the past, that’s how I always made friends. I made friends at school, college, uni, hung out with them, went parties and met more people through those parties and so on. But now I’ve had to pull the plug for my own safety and break that connection off, it’s hard to jump back into it. I don’t feel ready to go back to the strip clubs yet plus I’m wary of ending up in a dead club. I tried one west end strip club, but they felt with my mental health problems that I wasn’t ready to go back into it. It was hard to take that feedback, but I feel they’re right, I was so nervous and had a near panic attack before I arrived at my audition. Being isolated socially for a year has really scared me and raised my nerves all the way up so I think doing that now is too much too soon. I really wanna make fellow stripper friends, but I don’t wanna run before I walk.
My usual social hang out spots are bars and clubs but ain’t no way I’m walking into one by myself to meet people, I’ll look stupid as shit. I’ll look proper silly. I don’t really know what other places there are. I’m hoping dance classes will be a way forward but in my experience every time I’ve been to dance classes girls are often shy and people don’t necessarily chit chat everyone’s very focussed. Which is fine it’s just not great if you wanna meet people that way! I’m at a loss of what else there is. I’m gonna try have a research, but I need something desperately cuz I’m well and truly going mad. I don’t know how people manage to live in quiet villages or country towns cuz that type of silence and isolation would make me bonkers and I’m already feeling it for fucks sake.