Them ones when you’re waved and chilled and shit. I’m just soooo annoyed I can’t find my meds I was meant to have them at some point but I can’t see where I put them for fucks sake. So I’m still waved and shit but knowing me it wont last ages (I sober up like a cat shaking off water). So I might spark another zoot up but I can’t be fucked to leave my bed. Imagine if i get super manic and I’m still waved oh my days. Hopefully I won’t cuz weed is supposed to mellow you out so I hope it lasts.
Was talking about trauma and shit earlier on. A lot of people don’t understand how I’m so detached and desensitised from my trauma and well. I get my episodes and that, but most of the time I’m very cold and unemotional about my trauma. Used to think that meant I was over it already. I remember I got kidnapped and assualted but luckily I escaped. And literally only a day later I was so emotionally detached and uncaring about what happened. Like I didn’t care I just got on with life and went college. Looking back now I realise I was dissociating myself from the reality of it to cope. I didn’t know that was a mental health thing, I thought I just could pick myself up and get on with it. I really thought I was perfectly fine!
But in therapy and trying to talk about everything I realise I have such a difficult time getting hold of my emotions cuz I don’t know how I feel. I don’t know if I care. I don’t know if it matters. It just feels that assaults and violence is just normal. It’s just part of life. It doesn’t matter how intense it is, you do your best to get out of the situation safely and then just go back to normal. I thought the fact I wasn’t reacting in a emotional way meant that I didn’t have a response to the trauma. I see now that actually is a reaction. My not caring and brushing it off is a coping mechanism. I mean for me, death is not an option.
I know my mania makes me reckless enough not to care for my life but that’s mania. In my normal self death is literally the absolute total last resort. And in life I found, there is always a solution before ending it. It may not be an easy one, but there’s a way out. There’s always a way back. To me the point of living is to survive and fight your way through it. I always hold on to that so I think that’s influenced me to normalise and accept it. Cuz emotions like anger and anxiety are very exhausting emotions so if your at a point where you need to survive on a regular basis, you just have to shut emotions off. You have to just concentrate on staying alive. You can’t get emotional when your assaulted cuz it just makes you vulnerable so you gotta just try and be as tough as you can. It’s also a sign of long term trauma. Cuz someone with long term trauma is gonna have learned to shut down emotions so much that by the point they come out of it, they don’t know how else to deal with life.
And that’s what I think happened to me. I can’t get emotional cuz I couldn’t afford that, so I might as well brush it away and continue cuz all that matters is I stay alive, right? Problem is that recovery is super complicated with long term trauma. If the only situation was that my ex raped me, as in that was my one and only trauma, then I would know where the focus was. I could deal with why, how and the reality of what he did and work on recovering from that. But the annoying thing is I have so much fucking trauma that I don’t have a clue where to begin. When my ex trafficked me sexually? When he raped me? When he set me up and I got kidnapped? When I was strangled? The amount of times I’ve been harrassed till I was worn to exhaustion and felt like I had to give in? The assualts from when I was very little? I can’t remember anything from eleven to fourteen years old, do I have to uncover and unpack all that shit???? The amount of endless and endless ableism???? That time I was stalked around my area??? That time my drink was spiked so I overdosed and the paramedics abused me???? All those other assaults and extra shit????
Where. The. Fuck do I even begin That’s not even covering all my traumas that’s just the main ones. So um yeah safe to see it makes sense why I’m cold to it. The thing is I rely on my detachment so much I don’t wanna be without it. I see fucked up shit people do and it don’t bother me, I might react if I should, but really I don’t care. If people are taking the piss or tryna take advantage, I just shut them down. Like if I walk in brand new situations with people I don’t know, I’m chilled. If I start getting past that to unpack my trauma and emotions do I lose it??? I just don’t think I’m ready to. I’ve honestly got a lot to do and I’m tryna rebuild my life and I need my emotional detatchment to support me. Without it my emotions feel like exposed bone, it’s so horrific and painful and I don’t wanna be in that state. But if I don’t deal with them I’m gonna have to cope with episodes and the reality of everything. I just do not think I really wanna do all that right now. The other problem is that I don’t believe it’s over.
I still expect to be sexually assaulted. I still expect guys to harrass and jump on me. I still expect potientials to be controlling and violent.
And obviously I have every reason to feel that way cuz 1) it’s happened so many times and 2) sexual assault is so bloody common that it feels impossible to escape it. In every scenario a person could be in, someone somewhere is being harrassed and assaulted. It just takes the piss cuz genuinely I wanna just recover, and know that it’s not gonna happen again and move on. Cuz a big part of moving on from a bad situation is knowing it won’t happen again. But when it could literally happen anytime? Guys shout at me from the street, they ask me to come to their house everytime I’m out. They pressure me constantly. You can’t chill with a guy one on one cuz chances are, he wants to fuck. I go to a party and if someone chills with me, they will later pressure me. It’s a fact there’s no avoiding it. My internal answer is to go get a boyfriend. But to get a boyfriend… I have to communicate with men. Do you see my problem here???
I’m literally the last person to slander guys, I used to have so many platonic guy mates in school, not always close but everyone got on. But now it’s like gender is so segregated and people don’t clock onto it. You go to a party, and boys and girls will be sitting on opposite ends. And when they start mingling it’s bound to be interest motivated rather than just becoming friends. Like every time you chat to someone it feels potientially sexual related, no matter how otherwise you to try to act. And bare guys just want casual sex and get on my nerves if I’m not interested. Like I’m a camgirl and stripper, I deal with it plenty, so I don’t need extras. Unfortunately ‘no, I’m not into casual sex sorry’, means ‘she’s saying no now but if I text her a gazillion times and try to bring her over, she will eventually say yes.’
And I mean you can see how rapey that sounds but this mentality is so COMMON that I have to expect every guy I speak to have this attitude. If he doesn’t then I’m pleasently surprised and genuinely grateful, but I shouldn’t have to be. I shouldn’t have to be surprised if a guy is polite and accepting of what I say. I shouldn’t have to expect not to be harrassed and assaulted. But till that changes then what option do I have? I don’t think it’s gonna change in my lifetime. I have to protect myself but I still wanna move on and let go. In an ideal world I would be free from the assaults and harrassment being a reality and possibility. Like I can be around a guy and know its 100% not gonna happen. But no, I have to leave it as a possible threat to my safety. So when I work on my previous trauma I still have to have my detachment available in case I need to protect myself again.
Literally it’s exhausting. This is where I am stuck and lost. I wish I knew the answers to this situation but I don’t have them. How do you recover when it could be undone?